Falling down in the dumps and getting out

I got married on Saturday, and I really need to write about it on here: it's a surreal experience getting married in a strange country in a language you don't understand that well!  But for the past couple of weeks I've been feeling so down in the dumps that I haven't felt like trying to write about a joyous occasion. I've been feeling incredibly anxious and worried and stressed out.

I think it's normal to have these down periods when you're adjusting to so many changes in your life.  Kristian and I are are gathering papers together for both our visa applications: mine for here, and his for the U.S. It's very expensive, and it's incredibly stressful to have your future with your spouse hung up in paperwork in government offices.

Plus, I got a pay cut.  As many of you know, I teach English online, and I get paid by the class.  For the past six or eight terms, I've gotten five classes or even more, but this time I only got four.  It's a manageable pay cut, and I don't mind less grading.  But it's worrisome because if I lose another class next term, or two classes, we will start being in trouble, and if my salary drops below $18,000, then I can't sponsor Kristian's entry into the U.S.  That would mean that I would have to enter the US alone and find a job before we could really even get his paperwork underway...which could be a year or more of separation.  That, or getting my parents to sponsor his entry, which they probably would do, but neither he nor I (nor they, I'm sure!!!) want to involve the government in their financial status.  It's better for us to handle it ourselves.  So, I've been looking for additional online jobs for the past month or so, and NOTHING.  I got one interview with the first job I applied for...and it was cancelled two days after it was scheduled because all positions were filled already.  That was crushing.  I've gotten no other feedback except for form emails saying my CV was received...then silence.  

Finally, I hate our apartment, and I can't imagine many things worse than working from home in a home you loathe.  It's dirty, old, dank, cramped, and stuffy.  The bathroom has a constant stench wafting up from the 50-year-old Yugoslavian drains.  The refrigerator doesn't get cold enough, so our food spoils almost instantly, and two weeks ago I spent three days with a very unpleasant stomach ailment probably garnered from something I ate.  Kristian had it for a day as well.

I've let this stuff get to me.  It's a mental and spiritual battle, really.  I've never been one of those head-in-the sand Christians who suggest that trusting in God means things stop sucking, and I've noticed that it's usually rich people or the highly medicated who express that sentiment.  Maybe I'd be a cheerier person if I could embrace that viewpoint, but I'd feel like I was lying to myself and everyone around me.  A thin veneer of cheerfulness has little or nothing to do with a real faith in God, and I challenge anybody to think that it does after they spend some time in the book of Job!

What DOES have to do with a real faith in God is being willing to leave the future to God and live in the here and now.  I've always loved that verse in the Sermon on the Mount that goes "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matt 6: 34). What really gets me down is not all the little manageable issues today, but fears for an insecure future and potential disasters  like Kristian and I being apart for months or years because of financial problems and immigration issues.  But there is no point in worrying about that future...let it worry about itself.  Today we're together, we have work, and we have food to eat and a place to live.

AND today we get the keys to our new place!  I'll write more and post pictures of its amazing perfections ASAP.  It's tiny to the point that I bet most American newlyweds would be horrified...maybe....but it's bright and airy and sunny AND....well, I won't give away its best features until I get some good pictures!!  ^_^ Point is, we're about to move into the little European cottage of my dreams.  That still leaves us with the job issue, and the immigration issue.  But there is no sense in ruining today because I'm worried about tomorrow.